Today I should get a call to discuss the financial aspects of my therapy. Last night i sat for a long time and prayed for hope, for a light.
When my dad died, my light went away in a big way. I don't think it ever came back in the way it should have. I don't think I let it. My daddy was my whole world. Most girls see their daddy that way. No, not all but I think many do. I did. My parents were not affectionate people. Hugs and such were not common. Daddy showed it with time, teaching his knowledge, and this may sound weird, but my letting me be with him. He would let me go to work with him. He worked on the road for Sears fixing appliances in peoples homes. That was fun. Housewives would gift me with cookies and juice ALL the time! Daddy then would take me to lunch or treat me to some whole in the wall that he and his co workers ate at. I can remember getting a whole plate of breakfast for a couple bucks...the works! My eyes would pop out every time at all the stuff on the plate! But I got to hang with him. Or he would let me be with him in the garage while he did odds and ends. He would wood work or fix something....well kind of. Daddy's fixing was sometimes "questionable." LOL
He would let me go to the store with him or when he couldn't sleep at night, he would let me creep out of bed and watch Godzilla movies with him but "don't tell your mother!"
Awesome stuff.
We never fought. Both of us were very laid back and very happy just being.
I did not have this with my mom. That is a another blog...or two, or three.
When I hit 12 and 13, hormones set in of course. Valentines day, 1988 we had a dinner planned for the family. My mom gave me money to go buy dad a card for my dad. At 13 I was allowed to walk MILES to the store to buy a card. When I got there, I reasoned that I would MAKE a card and buy a Teen Bop magazine with a poster of some cutie in it instead..I think it was Cory Haim??
Well at dinner, we all sat at the table. My sister and her family, myself, my brother, my mom and my dad. We had cake for my niece's birthday which is the 13th. Mom asked where my card was for Dad. I handed him a card I made...half heatedly. My mom then grilled me, in front of everyone, about the money and "where was the card?" My dad didn't care but chimed in a bit to be silly. Well, my teenager attitude kicked in and I stomped off and slammed my door. How dare they!
Right?? ;)
Not too longer after, My dad tried to come in and get me to come out. I was embarrassed and not happy at the public mocking so his entrance was NOT welcomed.
"Get out! I NEVER want to see you AGAIN."
He left.
And I didn't.
I was on winter break starting the next day and was supposed to go to work with my dad. To SHOW him, when he called for me the next morning at 7am
"Julie! Julie!"
I left my door shut. I refused to answer.
He left for work. He walked out the door. A neighbor said Daddy gripped his chest before he got in his truck. Daddy paused a second or two and then got in his truck. I assume he passed it off...although he had a heart attack before. He probably waved it off as heart burn or "nothing."
He left work for at 7am.
He was pronounced DOA before 8am.
That story still causes me to sob. It hurts still.
I never want to see you again...
What was I thinking??
That is where I first lost my pure sense of hope. And today is where is I start trying to rediscover how to get it back...no more fear, no more worry...
I know I will still experience it. But that is what I want to do. I want to experience it. I am tired of living it. I am tired of living fear, worry and trying to eat it all away. Its killing me...and my joy.
God is my hope and my joy!
