Olivia Nichole...Happy Birthday! (Tomorrow)

On June 22 of 2000 I was induced. My amniotic fluid was disappearing into somewhere and we had no idea where to. Baby Beane was getting less and less cushion. Ultrasounds were happening during every visit and my doctor was becoming more concerned. I was swelling and she feared I was becoming pre-eclamptic.(sorry if that is spelled wrong) She had me go to the hospital for one ultrasound and in the middle of it, the tech stopped and left the room. She said she was going to call the Dr. Tim and I looked at each other very worried. Even as I type this now I am tearing up.

What is wrong with my baby?

She came back with BIG news....time to induce Momma! She wouldn't go into it, just that the doctor said it was time. I was 37 weeks so it was OK.

24 hours of man made meds....some labor, some contractions. They increased the meds, they lowered them, they shut them off and started over. 24 hours later I was at a one plus...I had no dilated at all.

Still didn't know what made the tech call the doctor 24 hours before....

Doctor said we couldn't wait anymore. She looked at me and said, "Listen, I know you wanted this to be natural and as God intended but we need to head to the OR, K?"

Fear consumed me on the inside. "Lets go!"

Not too long after I lay on a table. A little humor brought in when my short OB/GYN needed a stool at the table to do her thing. :) I lay and wait for a baby's  precious cry....

"Have they started yet Tim?"
"uh, Love, you insides are on the outside! Are you serious?" (Favorite line)

Soon I heard the doctor count " ONE, TWO, THREE!"

(uh, there is NOT three of anything!)

Olivia Nichole had the cord wrapped three times around her neck. She was completely purple.

Had I pushed...just once...

dear God, thank you. You knew.

The ultrasound tech had told the doctor that she was nervous with the amount of chest wall activity (breathing practice) that "baby beane" was doing. (OK, now I am crying.) She, they, did not want to stress momma out. They told me after....good thing I guess. :)

In that time, I could have lost her. She could have struggled enough to breath...oh Lord its hard to think!

 I truly believe that someone else breathed for her!

 She was purple! The cord was firm around her neck. I would not dilate no matter what drugs they gave me or what they had me do!

That is when God drew me back in. I had walked away for awhile. He saved her when I wasn't even talking to Him.

You know that song by Jason Gray, Remind Me Who I Am? I would write things like
undeserving,unworthy, pathetic,invisible, and on and on and on....but that day God wrote on my cards
WORTHY
LOVE
PRECIOUS
BELOVED
AND THE BEST ONE EVER....

MOMMY.

Daddy God, thank you seeing good in us when no one else does. :)

When there was no other explanation...there was God.
And my baby girl. Olivia Nichole Beane.
6 pounds 10 ounces.
19 inches long.
June 23rd 2000.
3:56pm

Connections...Dogs and Dads

My earliest memory hovers around two. One of them not so good, but not awful. I had to have surgery around that age. I actually remember being wheeled down the halls and they had cartoon characters on the wall. I remember thinking "This does not make me feel better at all!"

My other early memory is Taffy, our pug. Well, really it was my dad's dog. She WORSHIPED my dad! She also could tell time, I promise! That dog knew when 5pm was and almost on the dot! She would pace and whine and almost go crazy. She knew daddy was coming! For some odd reason, my parents kept her tied up in the kitchen. The only place where we didn't have carpet so I assume that is why. So poor Taffy had to stay there and wait for people to notice her. When I was little, I played with her a lot. I spent a lot of time by myself and so she was my playmate. She got dressed up, she was subjected to playing school, doctor, house, or whatever. She was a good sport. But when it was almost five, her willingness fizzled and her attention span was GONE! Outside she had freedom. She was fun too! I could get her worked up pretty good to where she would do insane laps around our above ground pool...bunches of them. Her face looked like it was smiling although it was just her way of trying to suck in as much air as a pug could! AND SOMETIMES, on a VERY rare occasion, my mom would let her off her rope in the house to hang with me inside. That did not last because she had it in for my brother. She would sneak off when she could and poop in his room and ONLY his room! Hilarious! (Of course not to him!)

My dad was called home to God when I was 13. Taffy became my connection, my memory launcher. Odd? Maybe so. But she was. Plus she was something to cuddle, cry on and talk to. She wouldn't tell anyone what I said and sometimes she even seemed sad with me. She sat with me, by my side often, and seemed to just listen. There were a few times I laid by her in the kitchen, on the floor, cried for awhile and fell asleep to the sound of the awful but comforting pug snore.

Sometimes, I think we both expected at five for Daddy to come home.
And sometimes, I think we were sincerely let down when he didn't.

Today I have two pugs. Tinkerbelle and Elvis. They are my shadows. If I walk, they walk. If I sit, so do they. If I nap, well DUH! They are dreadfully so ugly that they are adorable. Some days they are insanely annoying. But they are my memory triggers. I am not saying I would forget my dad otherwise. But I cannot hug him. (That still makes me cry sometimes.) What I can do is hug them. I can look at them and see Taffy, I can still see our  kitchen and her going frantic when she heard my dad's work truck roll in! I can look at them and she her sitting in our van (the kind with the hump in the middle over the engine).She sat on that hump in the middle of the front two seats waiting for the OK to jump in his lap. She would sit on his lap as he drove and look out the window. People would point and smile (or laugh)...I remember!

They are my memory triggers. They are my tangible, love-able memories.

Favorite bible verses Take one! Psalm 139 (msg)

Psalm 139

God, investigate my life;get all the facts first hand.
I love this line. It seems silly that the psalmist would have to ask God to get all the facts first hand. Doesn't He know them? However, I relate to the point as many do. How often are we in situations where people around us do not get facts first hand? How often do people that we trust, that we open our hearts up do, charge in with hurtful words and actions, without investigating anything? Yet we can approach God and be so bold as to say, "Look at this situation God, look at me! And make sure you get it all straight!"


even from a distance you know what I am thinking
I am never out of your sight.


Isn't it funny though that when we are alone, we think we are alone? We think no one saw us do that thing we did....no one saw us laugh at that fat kid, eat that pint of ice cream, look at that  nasty site, bring the neighbor a bible, cry in the dark, pick up the trash that wasn't ours to pick up...whatever. We think no one sees. We think the dialogue in our heads in ours alone. We think that mumbling in our brains affects no one...but it does. We think the sorrowful whimpers  is ours alone...but its not. We think the angry wishes go unheard up there in our cognitive caves....oh but they are heard!


You know what I leave and when I get back. (This would have been good for me to know as a teen!)


I am never out of your sight. ( I think my pre teen may be forced to read this psalm soon.) 


 You know everything I'm going to say 
      before I start the first sentence. 


I think this verse needs to pop up in the air when we start to argue with someone...especially when things really start to get heated. Would it not be a good eye opener that God knows that you are thinking THOSE thoughts and you are most certain about to put them to voice!?  What when you are frazzled with your child  right before you say that one thing that will knock their egos down a figurative flight of stairs....that verse pops up.  


"My beloved. I know you and I know what you are going to say...."


What if we knew scripture so well...that it did pop up, just not in the the air. (because then that would be a bit freaky!)


I look behind me and you're there, 
      then up ahead and you're there, too— 


God is everywhere. He is with us all the time. It is amazing to me that He gets to know us that well. He doesn't just form us and send us on our way with a wave and a "good luck!!" He knows YOU! He knows when you rise and when you go to bed. He knows your thoughts and your words before you speak them. He took the time to get to know YOU...He didn't have to. He wanted to.


And as the last paragraph of the first verse says in Psalm 139 (1-6 msg)


This is too much, too wonderful— 
      I can't take it all in!